Being a Feminist AND Engaged

When I first became engaged to my amazing man hunk, I had some major conflicts to settle within myself. First, would I change my name? Second, who am I going to piss off when I make my decision?

I, personally, enjoy the idea of changing my name. It won't be a new me, I'm already way too awesome to start that over. However, it will kick start a new chapter in my life. As expected, my mother, and the general feminist ideology, do not find the idea so pleasant. For the last six months, this battle has been rolling around my head.

In an article on Bustle by Bibi Deitz, the idea of changing your name can be seen as a feminist act. Changing my name is a choice that can only be decided by me. Who is going to the DMV? I am. Who is going to the Social Security office? I am. Who is changing their information with their employer? I am. The choice must be made before the actions. Although it may not align with most feminists' ideology concerning marriage, it is a personal choice that should be respected. Shaming each other won't do any good. If it is seen as wrong by someone, how does shaming help? Two wrongs do not make a right. ("Wrong" is relative in this statement.) 

One of my favorite values is respecting choices of others. It is no ones position to make up someones mind, and vice versa. This, however, creates a lot of conflict between the feminist I have grown into and the culture around me. 

The Ozarks is made up of mostly Scotch-Irish and German (on the northern parts). The idea of a woman being submissive, especially in public, has been bred in our culture for generations. (Even though I have plenty of stories from older generations about women being the dominate partner behind closed doors, concerning finances and discipline.) The perception of an obedient and quiet woman has been drooled over by men in every culture, ours just had isolation to allow that mentality to stay for as long as it has. (Native Americans were even wary of some parts of the Ozarks due to terrain.)

Although, in my mind, I know the practice is patriarchal and only enables the system to stay in place, I have been raised with the tradition a woman takes her forever love's name when she takes his hand. As much as I want to say "I would never do that" or "My name doesn't need to change to be in harmony with someone," my feelings don't align with those statements. I enjoy the idea of having my husband's last name for unity with future offspring, which is a super controversial statement.

Jill Filipovic wrote an article explaining if changing your surname was a valid reason for unity "make it the wife's." Many women are beginning to not change their surname. According to the New York Times in 2015, approximately 20 percent of women married around the time kept their surnames, higher than the 14 percent from the 1980s. From my personal experience, this revolution has not spread in the Ozarks, especially more rural areas. The majority of women I know that have recently gotten married has changed their surname to the husband's. 

Another idea is to reject using the phrase "maiden name," whether you change your name or not. Brita Long explain in her article "I Didn't Keep My Maiden Name" that although she did not change her name she refuses to refer to her last name as a "maiden name." She goes into detail about the history of the phrase and that even keeping your last name can still be degrading by referring to your last name being "unmarried" and "virgin."

As you have read, this is not the easiest decision to make. I'm sure people from with any of the opinions listed will have a few things to say to me along with a wagging finger. All I have to say is, I will respect your choices, so please respect mine.

As for my final verdict on what my surname will be...I guess we'll all find out in six months.

Have a wonderful week! 

Sincerely,

Hillbilly Feminist