Scewed Compromising

Most women I know have a disturbing habit of agreeing to a scewed compromise, including myself. Instead of choosing the best option for them, the final decision will be affected by a spouse or family. Whether it be choosing to go back to school, location to live, or a career, our choice feels as though it still isn't our own. Why is this?? Why do we have a need to please those around us? Is this a "gateway" of turning into a doormat?

While I understand the idea of "meeting in the middle," the "middle" has a scew. I'm not saying the other party is trying to manipulate or pushing for their agenda consciously, but I am saying this can create a habit of constant compromise and later resentment. Have you ever seen the show "Snapped" on the Investigative Discovery channel?

I have found myself in a pool of resentment. It's not the other party's fault, I mean I was the one who chose to compromise. BUT in the last year and a half I have decided to put my foot down. If I do not agree with the final decision, and see it does not benefit both them and ME, then it's time to go back to the drawing board and figure something out.

I challenge you to this, as well. You are the main character in your story. Act like it! If you find yourself being inconvenienced for another person, ask yourself "why?" Why should their commute be shorter? Why should their chore list be shorter, especially if you split the bills down the middle (having a vagina/being feminine doesn't equate to being a servant)? Why should you make all the meals if the bills are split (once again, having a vagina/being feminine doesn't equate to mandated cooking duty)?

Also, if you read those questions and discover, "Wait, my partner does all of this." You have entered the first stage of realizing things are not equal in your relationship. I'm not here to tell you what a "proper relationship should look like, but if both of you are working and splitting bills then maybe, just maybe, other responsibilities should be, as well. I know several couples where one spouse in the relationship has  taken  full advantage of compromiser. Just so some future trolls can calm down before they get a workout on their keyboard, I 100% disagree with this, as well. If you're a stay-at-home spouse whose job it is to clean up the house (or whatever) and your partner is comfortable with the situation, cool beans! If you're a stay-at-home mom/dad, first of all thank you for doing one of the toughest jobs out there and second I'm assuming that was a decision made by you and your partner together.

BUT if you're taking advantage of a situation that only benefits you, you are kind of being an a-hole and infringing on someone's resources/life. Why do that? Be an independent badass. Honestly, it's one of the most empowering things to be. Relying on someone to do everything, may screw you over in the end. The worst part is there's no excuse. You can't blame the ending of a relationship on them not having money or being lazy, because then you'd be a hypocrite. No one likes a hypocrite.

Scewed compromising for the person you love with full consent (gotta love that word!) and awareness of the outcome is one thing, but making a habit of it without a following, more balanced compromise can put a relationship in a downward spiral. For instance, my fiancé and I live a decent drive away from my job and school, but this compromise allows him to get free training for his future career (his training is based on location). Our more balanced compromise is moving closer to my job and school (about 30 minutes less of a commute).

I hope my words have either inspired you to stand by what you want, along with understanding benefits should be seen on both sides of a compromise. Just always remember, you're the protagonist in your life. You are important and should speak up if you want change.

Side note, if you're in the US and intend on marching this Saturday, be safe! Also, if there are protestors on the other side, remember why we're marching! Have a wonderful week!

Sincerely,
Hillbilly Feminist

Create Support & Spread Awareness

If you could pick a city to match your mentality on life, where would you be? Tokyo, super busy with the lights always on? Any rural town, wide open and more relaxed? Anchorage, beautiful, but possibly extremely depressive during the time without sun? Once you have chosen a location, analyze it for a moment. Now, are you content with that location? If not, what needs to be done to change that?

Above is a thought experiment to help kick off something that intimately affects approximately 6 people for every event. Those 6 people may be parents, siblings, other family members, and friends. This pandemic is suicide among our loved ones. In hindsight, professionals and loved ones will remember moments that could be translated into signs of major depression and the rituals that tend to be done before a person attempts suicide. These signs could be as blatant as telling the people around them about their plans or as silent as giving important items to loved ones as if enacting their will.

Statistics on Suicide

Found at American Foundation of Suicide Prevention

If you're currently having suicidal thoughts, you’re not alone. According to the CDC, 3.9% of people in the United States have had thoughts of attempting suicide and 1.1% has made plans. Approximately 40% of suicides are committed by people between the ages 45-65 and 85-plus. While most suicides are committed more often by older to middle aged white men, suicidal ideations and plans are more often set by females than males in the adolescent age range(1). Lastly, untreated and undiagnosed depression is the leading cause of suicide. While the last statement may seem obvious, it can be the easiest to miss. Many people will see the signs of depression and think, "they're just having a rough time" or "there are people in way worse circumstances." Those assumptions of another person's feelings will only isolate them more. With the increase of awareness, the signs will hopefully be seen before an attempt is made and counseling will be sought out.

Loved One Showing Signs?

Through my time and training spent as a volunteer advocate, I have learned some of the myths and misconceptions when speaking to someone who is stating they are suicidal. A major misconception is asking a person if they have thought of the details. If someone discloses to you they have been thinking about killing themselves, find out exactly what they mean. Have they thought about when? How? Where? Contrary to prior beliefs, asking a person about what they have planned, will not instigate the attempt. If anything, this will help the person realize the gravity of what they are saying. If the details are not planned, provide immediate, consistent support and consider resources to help with depression. If they know the details, it’s time to get immediate help from a professional. 

A feeling of hopelessness tends to not be permanent. With support and proper counseling, hope can be restored. In fact, I went to a Specialized Medical Training class and one of the topics discussed was about depression and suicidal ideations. During the lecture, the Golden Gate bridge was brought up.

Kevin Hines, in the video below, survived what most have not. Hines was quoted saying in a video by BuzzFeed,

"The millisecond my hands left the rail, it was an instant regret."

Since its opening, there have been 2,000 people attempt suicide by jumping from the bridge, only 1% have survived. 

Words from HF

I hope if you're reading this, you have found some helpful information and resources. If you're experiencing depression, please, know you are loved. No matter what unfortunate events have happened or words that have been said, you are an important part of someones life, especially your own. 

If you're giving support to someone who is surviving depression, thank you. You are a hero in your story and should be recognized. Keep up the work and feel free to also call the hotlines and crisis lines. The advocates and counselors may help you cope with the situation and provide further information about support.

Sincerely,

Hillbilly Feminist

Resources

If you are in need of a hotline for more information on prevention, visit SuicidePreventionLifeLine.org or call 1-800-273-8255 (for the United States). For the more national hotlines visit this link. Find more crisis lines at CrisisTextLine.org.

References

1 Mueller, A. S., James, W., Abrutyn, S., & Levin, M. L. (2015). RESEARCH AND PRACTICE. Suicide Ideation and Bullying Among US Adolescents: Examining the Intersections of Sexual Orientation, Gender, and Race/Ethnicity. American Journal Of Public Health, 105(5), 980-985. doi:10.2105/AJPH.2014.302391

Say No to Slut Shaming

When you first think of Melania Trump, what comes to your mind? If it helps, write them down on a piece of paper. Now, look at what you wrote down and put a tally by the things that you would have not known if she wasn’t married to Donald Trump, President-elect. I’ll be honest, if it wasn’t for the election, I wouldn’t even know her name. I’m not interested in his business antics or reality show.

Now I ask, why are so many people directing their hate and shaming on her? She won’t even be staying in the White House (Trump’s daughter will be his first lady…. yes, America becoming more and more creepy). The slut shaming against Melania has been so blatant and crude, even some of the most liberal people I know are becoming what we fight to end. 

Slut shaming Melania because of a man is playing right into the dirty, greedy patriarchal hands that keep women “in their place.” Instead of shaming another woman to “get at” her husband, we need to come together to ensure knowledge and awareness is spread among our fellow women about policies that will be passed by the dangerous men in charge.

The shaming includes making front of her accent or the fact she is not American born. I understand the hypocrisy by President-Elect Trump, but in the end, she is a legal citizen of the United States. Liberals making rally cries against Melania’s being an immigrant reinforces the conservative notion “that immigrants need to go back from where they’re from.” We have lost the few allies in the executive branch and wasting time/energy by taking cheap shots will not further our goals for equality.

Side tangent: Speaking of equality, I recently got in a Facebook discussion (somewhat respectful) about whether LGBT rights are in danger with the new administration. Pence’s actions while Governor of Indiana, clearly show his dislike of anyone different than him….*cough* *cough* *douche bag*.

I got a little side tracked. Our country is in for rough four years and we cannot break our resilience or conviction. Let’s concentrate on protecting and supporting each other.

Have a wonderful week!

Sincerely,

Hillbilly Feminist