Time for a caffeine induced night rant. If you're from the Ozarks, you have probably noticed the overwhelming amount of women and, less commonly reported, men on the bad end of an abusive relationship (i.e. physical, verbal, sexual, and/or mental). Why does this happen? Why is it so difficult to step in? Why is it when you do try to help the person being abused, they withdrawal from you?
Well folks, from my experience as a volunteer victim advocate (started in February 2015) and short stint working at a rural domestic violence shelter, I've learned the erosion of a person's confidence and sense of self worth does not start when they are first hit or belittled by their significant other. It starts at a young age when they see their mother being beat with no one stepping in and everyone using the excuse "I don't want to get involved." It starts when they are touched inappropriately by an adult they trusted and was too scared to tell anyone because people wouldn't believe them or would "see them differently." It starts with a lack of education, resources, and, most importantly, protection for the victim (however, this has improved some since the 1990s).
The Ozarks culture has trained us to love and protect our family (a relative idea), go to church every week, and to mind our own business. It's time to make victims' safety our business! Be an advocate for your neighbor, sister, cousin, or even town grocer! While breaking down doors and whisking victims away to a shelter seems the easiest route to take (definitely not the most legal), it continues to take away control from them. Start by being a friend and showing your arms are open to them. It's a process to rebuild confidence, especially if they are still in the abusive relationship.
Imagine for years you have been taught by your family and spouse you have to drink water from a plastic cup. Anytime you didn't drink water from a plastic cup, you would get yelled at or hit. Then imagine a friend invites you over and says you can drink from a plastic cup or glass cup, there is no difference. It's your choice! Of course in the beginning you're going to use the plastic cup and be uncomfortable with having the unpunishable option to use a glass cup. With support from your friend and learning to trust them, you will slowly use the glass cup more and more. Eventually, you might have the mindset to use a glass cup anytime you damn well please.
The victim may have no idea abuse is not meant to be involved in a relationship and not being allowed to make any choices strips them of independence, especially if their childhood home life also involved domestic violence. Once a friend says to them "you shouldn't be treated that way" or "what an asshole, you deserve better," it might be taken as an attack on everything they know and understand about relationships. It takes time and support for someone to rebuild their sense of self worth. Help the victim build themselves to be a survivor. Try not to waste energy on bad talking the abuser. This can be counterproductive and, remember, more than likely there were happy moments at one point in the relationship.
According to The Hotline, victims will leave an average of seven times before leaving for good. Everytime a victim leaves a domestic violence situation, the dangers increase. Control means power, and the abuser loses more and more power when the victim becomes a survivor. At minimum, the victim will know this subconsciously.
Although you may be frustrated or mentally exhausted as an advocate, keep in mind you may be the only person giving them support and understanding. You may be the difference between the victim leaving an abusive relationship or becoming one of many to die as a result of domestic violence. But no pressure! Literally, just be a shoulder. Listen. Love. Be there.
Anyways, I got a little intense. Please, check out The Victim Center for free services for any victims of a crime, including survivors of childhood abuse and domestic violence.
Sincerely,
Hillbilly Femenist
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